Do children ape their parents in their habits? Will children take to drinking if their parents drink or smoke if there is a smoker in the house? One parent was worried about the impact of social drinking of her husband’s family on her young son. The husband had friends dropping in some evenings and the young son would observe them closely. Will he follow the father as the role model, she questioned?
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One can’t say. I know of families where the father was an alcoholic and the son became one too. I know of families where the father was an alcoholic and the son never touched a drop all his life. I know of a father who is pious, who spends his time praying, whose young son as a teenager sneaked out to drink and smoke. One supposes that the future actions of the child will depend on the relationship to the parent and whether the child witnessed any negative consequences of the act.
So if the parent-child relationship was a strong affective one, the child will have a tolerant attitude to the action. I think it also depends on the attitude that the parent brings to the action. If the parent smokes, drinks or has extra-marital flings as an escape, the child will sense this and pick it up as a mode of behaviour. If the parent drinks modestly the message will be that it is acceptable to drink as long as one does not get drunk and become embarrassing. If the child witnesses ugly scenes related to the action, it will probably dissuade him.
Young children love to imitate and there was this 5-year-old who picked up a lit incense baton as a cigarette after seeing some adults smoking! If it is bad for health, why do the elders do it, she asked? The same went for drinking. Why could she not drink if the elders were drinking? One mother solved the problem by giving her apple juice in a wine glass so that she could drink as well.
I knew of this young boy who hated smoking as his father smoked. His father had been admitted to hospital due to related health issues. The child when young carried out anti-smoking campaigns. But if this child had not witnessed the health related disorder, I think he might have been tempted into smoking.
Extra-marital relations are another issue. Children can sense the loss of love between the parents. There is always the chance that the child sides with the jilted parent even if the parent had reasons to be involved in an affair. I have nevertheless witnessed families where the father kept up with a relationship while remaining in a marriage. The child seemed to know and accept and each relationship was neatly compartmentalised into home and outside home. It works for some! In another case, the parents separated and though there were tears and recriminations, at least the parents did not live a lie.
The value of honesty is the best abiding lesson we can give to children. In turn, you will not have to face a situation where your kid goes off on the sly to do something. It is difficult to be the perfect role model for the child as we are human and will tend to experiment and err. But in the end what works is being open and honest about whatever we do. And what we do, we must do for the right reasons.
The above article was published in the Ahmedabad Mirror on 30/12/2009